Skip to main content

Untitled

DISCLAIMER: This particular blog entry is not suitable for everyone. The F-Bomb is dropped (only once, surprisingly enough) and it will probably hurt someone's feelings or piss someone off. You've been warned.


There are so many emotions running through me right now. I'm trying so hard to concentrate on Regulations in Health Care homework (which, by the way is SUPER exciting...) and all I can think about is what has happened in the past couple of weeks.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I would typically wish 3 people a Happy Father's Day... my grandpa, my sister's dad, and of course Damian. Grandpa is gone now so he won't be someone I call tomorrow - obviously this alone is a source of much pain and anxiety. I will wish Niki's dad a Happy Father's Day, as he did help raise me the first few years of my life and I have nothing but love and respect for him, and I will wish Damian a Happy Father's Day because he is a wonderful daddy to Gambit and we appreciate him probably more than we show it.
Now that I know who my biological father is I struggle with whether or not I wish him a Happy Father's Day. He is after all, a father. I just don't know the protocol for this sort of thing. (I wonder if the people who go on Maury to find their dad's get some sort of instruction manual when they're on the show... Doesn't matter, I probably wouldn't read it anyway.) People tell me to do whatever it is that I'm feeling at that particular moment. Or some say "Do what your heart tells you to do".

My heart. Huh.
My heart feels like its cracking. Earlier in the week I felt like maybe that giant hole that was left there after Grandpa passed was finally starting to close up just a bit. I felt like maybe that's why this was all happening the way that it was... because I have another family out there that can help to fill that void.
But now I'm questioning it... and now it just feels like my heart is breaking all over again.

There are a few people in my New Family who seem to be struggling with my sudden presence. I can understand this, really I can. There have been different times in my life when I was the center of a person's universe and then someone else came along and I was pushed aside. I know what it feels like to be on top of your own world and then have some life changing event happen that just throws everyone for a loop; you get to the point where you aren't sure which way is up. I get it.
But it isn't all about you. Fuck, it isn't even all about me. It's about all of us. It's about getting to know one another and helping each other to deal with the situation at hand.
It's about remembering that you're not the only person being affected by this. You're not the only person who has feelings.

I'm not trying to take anything from anyone. I'm not looking for Christmas and birthday gifts from the past. I don't want you to take me to the zoo and Chuck E. Cheese to make up for lost time.

I just wanted to know where I came from. I figure that much is my right.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 19, 2011 at 8:05 PM

    I don't wish my biological father a happy father's day. I never have. The way I see it, he has 3 other kids that he was actually around that can wish him one. But that's me.

    I also know what you're talking about when it comes to that new family. It was great when I found out I had a sister and more brothers. I thought it was gonna be awesome and I could be the "cool" older sister. Except that I was the intruder. I was the one who didn't "belong". I'm still not all that sure that I'm completely accepted by them. Hell, no one from that side of the family showed up to EITHER of my baby showers and being that they were 10 years apart, I figured someone would go to ONE. None of them showed up for Miss Squish's baptism. Hell, only one of my aunt's has even bothered to attempt to meet her (my youngest brother was with her, but I think that was more cuzz they were gonna buy a gun when they were finished).

    It's confusing as fuck and I don't know how to make things any easier, or else I'd totally tell you the trick. The best I can say is to give it time, but even that may not help. I'm not trying to bring you down, but I don't wanna sugar coat shit for you, either.

    I love you, hunnie, and I hope it gets a little easier at least. ♥

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Motivators! Mount up!

Adulting is hard, you guys.  Like, being responsible for shit... like bills and people and putting gas in the car. Ugh. Why??  I was thinking about the shit things we have to do and wondering how we all get motivated every day to do those things, no matter how fucking awful they are, and decided to share some things that motivate me.  Probably my biggest motivators are The Boys. Those kids have been through some shit, yet they are all so strong. They are smart, handsome, caring, and respectful, just to name a few qualities. They keep me going every day; they push me to be a better mom and person, and they never let me forget why I do what I do.  My step-dad motivates me... or the memory of him does. He isn't dead or anything, he was just a giant abusive asshole. Remembering the names he called me and the things he would say to me help me to be patient and tolerant of people... To try to remember that every one is going through something and even thou...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hey! Guess what I found?

Found my dad, my biological dad. I kept saying my "real dad" but I was told by an expert that it sounded weird when I said that, so I stopped. ;) For the record... I'm not going to talk about the story of why I didn't know who he was... the WHY is not what's important... what's important is that I found him and a whole new world that I belong to. I have 2 sisters. I also have 2 aunts. And cousins. And grandparents. And I think pretty much all of them have dogs. I'm glad they don't have cats. Ugh. I was having a real hard time with this at first... only because my Grandpa isn't here and he would have had the right thing to say. And even if he didn't know what to say, he would have provided a great deal of comfort for me. There is this huge void since he's been gone... Every year on Father's Day I would call him to wish him a Happy Father's Day since he was such a great father figure to me... This is the first year that I wo...
Post a Comment
Read more
Because I was a caregiver for so long, I know what my employees go through. I know the challenges caregives face. I know how exhausting a 12 hour shift with a difficult patient can be. I know the job is sometimes thankless. *I* *KNOW* What YOU don't know is how difficult MY job is. My job doesn't end when my work day "ends". I am on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have to build and manage schedules for over 10 patients and 40 employees. I have to interview potential caregivers and let them down when I cannot hire them... and on the flip side of that, I have to terminate caregivers (yes, people get fired because of their own choices, but I promise you, firing someone is not an easy job). I have to deal with patients' family members who can be demanding and ungrateful. I manage doctor's appointments for clients. I help train and orient new caregivers. I help open cases of patients who are newly injured and scared. I do payroll weekly. I audit files. ...
Post a Comment
Read more